Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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