So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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