just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
