You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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