god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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