i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
