i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
