After last night, I could never be a politician.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
