you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
