I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
