I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
