He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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