i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
