My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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