It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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