do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
