I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
