R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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