We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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