Betty ford says i'm here all night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
