One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
