brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
