farters have to be the big spoon...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
