just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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