but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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