Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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