Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
