I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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