good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize