Only a mothe r could love this liver
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
