I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
