and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
