from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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