meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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