I murdered the dance floor call the cops
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
