i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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