ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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