I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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