1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
