i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
