I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
