bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
