where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hypothermia
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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