Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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