FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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