I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
