Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize