Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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