guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
