xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
