I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
