My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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