he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
