im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
