A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize