I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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