I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
