Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize