I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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