Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
