In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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