he thought i was a dude.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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