The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I want a musical about memes.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
